The Legend of Zelda series, which turned thirty years old last year, is one of the greatest game series of all time. It’s times produced games that revolutionized the gaming world, time and time again. Most individual games in the series—barring the cringe-worthy Phillips CD-i releases—are classics in their own right: from the original Legend of Zelda on the NES to the Ocarina of Time on the Nintendo 64, all the way to the new Breath of the Wild on the Switch. One favourite game in the series probably forms a core part of your own childhood memories. Just remember all those hours spent in front of the TV, or holding a handheld, guiding Link through the land of Hyrule on his way to rescue Princess Zelda and the Triforce from the evil Ganon.
We all have memories of that one puzzle, or that one boss battle, that ate up an entire weekend while we tried to complete it. But while we might think we know the game very well, there are a few things the games that went straight over our heads when we were kids, and which would shock us if we looked back and thought about them now: the games have included everything from substance abuse to gambling, and from stealing to being into people way too young. Here are just a few examples.
24 Sticky-Handed Hero
Most video games encourage players to take everything and anything not bolted down, and the sticky-handed protagonist will encounter little resistance to his kleptomania from anyone. Zelda is no exception, and it pokes fun at this antisocial trope. For example, at the beginning of Breath of the Wild, Link encounters an Old Man by a fire. If he picks up any items around the fire, will be playfully called out by the old man for taking things without permission. But 1994’s Link’s Awakening, goes further than normal, andLink is actually able to shoplift from the store in Mabe Village. But there’s a catch: if he ever returns to the store, the clerk will attack him with magic until he dies. Who thought it was good idea to give kids a hero who steals things?
23 Not The Kind Of Happy Ending You Would Find In Storybooks
Last year’s Breath of the Wild revolutionized the Zelda series, throwing away the established formula for the series. Players explore a huge open-world environment that lacks traditional dungeons, bosses, or item gathering. The game also has a penchant for more noticeably adult humour than has been present in previous games of the series. In one quest, for example, Link must jump off and swim back up a waterfall in order to display the beauty of his body to a somewhat more than admiring Zora. They’re left “emotionally ravaged” by the experience. On the other side of Hyrule, Link is able to get a special massage in Gerudo Town that—though we can’t actually see what’s happening—sure sounds like it has a “happy ending.”
22 It’s All About The Healing
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link came out when sequel games were still fairly unusual, and the game’s creators worked very hard to make the game completely different from the original. This resulted in a game that deviated from the established Zelda formula more than any would since. Link travels through a RPG-style overworld and enters side-scrolling towns and 2D-platformer style dungeons. In the towns, Link is able to talk to all the villagers that he passes. However, in most towns, if he speaks to a woman in a red dress she will offer to “help” him if he follows her inside of her house. If he does so, Link will come out completely healed. Players have long suspected that the healing that she provides is, well, of the kind Marvin Gaye sang about.
21 Run Away, Very Fast
Link is a pretty good-looking guy, and this has led to him receiving some interesting propositions. In Ocarina of Time, Link can find, in the guard station of a ruined Castle Town, a strange hooded man who deals in buying and selling poes. If Link completes a quest involving hunting big poes across Hyrule field and bringing them back to him, the Hero of Time will receive an empty bottle as a reward. However, there is some other business that Link makes the businessman think about. According to the one-eyed hooded gentleman, although dealing in poes works for him, “if he were handsome” like Link, he could work in another kind of business. He does not clarify this statement, but context makes it pretty clear what he’s talking about.
20 To Help A Predator
While his main quest is to save Hyrule from evil of Ganon, Link helps the citizens of the land out in many other ways on his way. These range from simple finding and gathering quests, to the extremely intricate and involved stories such as the storyline surrounding Anju and Kafei’s marriage in Majora’s Mask. Link is always happy to help, but maybe he should be more careful about where that help goes. In Breath of the Wild, one quest involves link escorting a love message downstream for a little Zora girl looking for her true love. But if Link succeeds, the message is picked up by a grown Hylian man, who then goes to Zora’s Domain to join his child bride. Link can actually go see the nausea-inducing couple for himself after this point, and receive their thanks.
19 What The Heck, Shigeru?
There are actually a few hints of pedophilia throughout the Zelda series, particularly in Ocarina of Time. In the Spirit Temple of Ocarina of Time, for example, Link encounters the thief Nabooru, who asks Link to retrieve something for her in exchange for a reward. Years later when Link returns as an adult, Nabooru remarks that after seeing how handsome he’s grown up to be, she wishes she had kept her promise. What could she have promised? This is not all: in the Castle Town’s Market, there is a dancing couple close to the central fountain, and Link can overhear them exchanging sweet nothings. The lady tells her man that he’s “more handsome than the King of Hyrule,” and that is fine. However, he tells her that she is “more beautiful than Princess Zelda,” who is ten years old. Cringy!
18 Love, Uh, Conquers All?
There is a similar situation in Majora’s Mask which is maybe more understandable, but still pretty creepy. The game’s most involved side-quest is centred on the relationship between Anju and Kafei, inhabitants of Clock Town whose engagement has been compromised as a result of the Skull Kid’s mischief. Kafei has been turned into a young child by the Skull Kid, and has since gone into hiding. But though he has become a child, this is not actually the reason why he is has abandoned his bride-to-be. The only reason he feels like he can’t go through with the wedding is that his engagement mask’s been stolen. During the quest, Link locates Kafei, recovers the mask and reunites the star-crossed lovers. Though Kafei is technically a cursed adult man, this all still feels really weird and wrong.
17 They All Want One Thing
The Gerudo are an all-female warrior race, and they’ve appeared a few times over the course of the Zelda series. Inhabitants of the arid desert, the Gerudo forbid the entry of any and all men to their land. So, naturally, the idea of an all-female race is a sensitive subject and is also the potential source for quite a lot of offensive humour. In Breath of the Wild, Nintendo decided to go ahead and cross that line. In the game, Gerudo travel across Hyrule in search of husbands of other races—and Nintendo puts more detail into this aspect of their lives than almost any other aspect of their rich culture. Link is even able to stumble upon a class Gerudo can take on how to romance males. Nintendo sure sets a great example for young girls.
16 After-Hours Princess
Overall the Zelda series is pretty good with presenting strong female characters. Princess Zelda herself usually appears as a figure of much strength and authority, as well as her caretaker, Impa. Another example is Midna of the Twilight Realm in Twilight Princess. The cursed princess is a strong and independent minded woman of authority, and is more than a match for any male character who appears in the series, acting as Link’s guide and actually saving his neck a couple of times. However, her appearance is notably sensual: she is nearly unclothed in both her true and cursed form, wearing skin-tight clothes that emphasize her stomach and seductively reveal one-hip. Despite her strength, she is still visually reduced to an object of male desire.
15 More Fabulous Than Ganondorf
But, to be fair, it is not only women who are overtly portrayed in Zelda games. Take a look at Ghirahim, one of the two main antagonists of Skyward Sword. If one thing can be said for him, it is that he has style. Clearly considering himself to be very impressive, and very assured of his impending victory over link, Ghirahim swaggers into the game for its first boss battle. Unlike most Zelda battles, he hangs around until nearly its last. The man dresses like a model, slinks around in an extremely sensual manner, and sticks his tongue out at, and almost on, Link. He suggests that he’s very tempted to do traumatic things to the hero other than kill him. Link might want a restraining order more than anything else.
14 Tingle. Just, Tingle.
The single most uncomfortable character in the Zelda series, probably one of the weirdest individuals in gaming history, is Tingle. Hands down. First appearing in Majora’s Mask, Tingle is a small, fat middle-aged man, who wants to be a forest fairy. He goes so far as dressing and acting the part, wearing a skin-tight green costume which reveals more than we really want to see. The man-child dances around in a giddy manner, and ends his conversation by shouting “Kooloo-limpah!” and shooting sparkles in the air. In his original appearance, Link must shoot him down from red balloons in order to buy maps from him, but one wonders if this strange man should be allowed near anyone as young as Link at all. Despite his extreme cringe factor, Tingle actually earned himself his own spin-off series.
13 Just, Everything About This
Breath of the Wild features a vast-open world environment, and players are encouraged to scavenge this world looking for all 900 Korok Seeds to bring them back to Hestu in the Korok Forest. This is for inventory upgrades at first, but then for no obvious purpose. Anyone set on the task of tracking down all nine hundred seeds has put themselves on a fast track to insanity. For the gruelling, thankless, weeks-long task of combing the land for all of the often extremely hard to see Koroks, players will be rewarded with a golden pile of excrement, which doesn’t even do anything. This is both disgusting and also extremely insulting to gamers who put a lot of effort into the game.
12 Free Like A Tree
Despite his ultimate, stinky betrayal, you have to love Hestu. The giant, maraca-wielding, free-spirited Korok is one of the most memorable characters in the game, and has captured the hearts of millions of players. The character is also—apparently—an exhibitionist. One could point out that most Koroks (and trees in general) are unclothed, but Hestu is still quite proud of it and not afraid to let you know about it. In Breath of the Wild, Link is able to remove all of his clothing and walk around in only his underwear, and if he does so and goes to talk to Hestu, the Korok will do a double take and then become extremely happy, dancing a dance to celebrate their shared state of undress. This is still somewhat unnerving, especially considering that this is someone who also gifts people their excrement.
11 Ultimate Nightmare Fuel
Speaking of that, Hestu’s gift is not actually the weirdest encounter with toilet humour that existsin the Zelda series. In more than one game in the series, Link can find a hand reaching out of a toilet begging him to bring it paper for an unspecified reason. If Link restrains his urge to vomit long enough to do so, he will receive this being’s upmost gratitude, but no clarification of the bizarre situation. Nintendo goes out of the way to milk the confusion of the situation, naming the character only “???”, for example, and making hand’s demand as vague as possible: it is simply: “Pa-Pa-Pa-Paper, please!” Well, okay. This is totally a normal thing to happen.
10 Never Mind, This Is The Ultimate Nightmare Fuel
Link can give the hand any paper product to satisfy its unspecified need, even love letters than other characters have entrusted to him—and Nintendo takes Link’s ability to betray trust as an opportunity to make the situation even more disturbing in Skyward Sword. During one side-quest, Link is given a love letter by Cawlin to give to Karane. Link can be a good friend and actually deliver the letter, or he can give it to the hand for the the to use it for whatever it is the hand needs paper to do. If our hero does so, he will cause more than disappointment and distress for Cawlin. The hand will think the letter was intended for it, and, if Link later visits Cawlin’s room at night, he will see the disembodied hand caressing the sleeping knight’s head.
9 Where To Start Describing What Is Wrong With This?
But this is not even the most disturbing love story in the Zelda series. There are quite a few sick relationships going on in Hyrule and neighboring realms, and it is hard to choose which is the worst,. It’s very tempting to go with what’s going on between and a moblin and its former captive in Wind Waker. During the game’s first half, Link works to rescue his sister and two other girls from the Forsaken Fortress. Afterwards, Link is able to visit these girls at Windfall Island, where they live. One of these girls has stayed in contact with one of her Moblin guards, and Link can give her a letter from him. She interprets this as a love letter, but the language kind of implies that the moblin just wants to eat her. This situation is made all the creepier when you remember that this is a ten-year old girl.
8 The Funky Fairy
While discussing inappropriate details in Zelda games, it is impossible to forget the Great Fairy in Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask. After all, what is more inappropriate than an unclothed woman jumping out of a fountain while screaming? She presents herself to a young child and offers him special gifts and comfort. There isn’t anything truly explicit happening here, but it’s a real stretch to say that these sequences were not meant to be titillating when they feel this much like scenes out of a strange movie. But one has to wonder what Link thought about this whole thing.
7 The Hero Gets Dragged Under The Water
The Great Fairy has a notable role again in the latest Zelda game, Breath of the Wild. Link can find four Great Fairy Fountains across the land of Hyrule, and the fairies found within can upgrade his armour if he beings the materials for him. The fairies are more clothed than their Nintendo 64 counterparts, but are just as exuberantly sensual. Her leap out of the water is somehow actually more startling now and the look she gives Link is more obviously, well, lusty. Some of the cutscenes that play when Link gets upgrades are worth mentioning here: for third-level upgrades, we see the fairy’s big red lips coming towards the camera, and Link’s horrified expression as they come nearer. In the fourth one, the fairy grabs Link with both arms and pulls him into the fountain as he screams.
6 Cosplay Time?
The Great Fairy is striking enough that you can obtain a mask of her likeness in Majora’s Mask: the aptly-named Great Fairy’s Mask, which is obtained by helping the Great Fairy that is found in North Clock Town. The function of the mask is to help Link gather stray fairies found in dungeons, but it also looks really striking, complete with flowing red hair. If Link wears the mask into Clock Town’s Swordsman’s School and tries to get training, the master swordsman—a greasy, long-haired and unkempt man—asks Link to take it off first because it’s so “beautiful” that he would find it distracting. Uh-huh. Anyway, he suggests that Link either “leave it at home,” which is fine, or, more creepily, have it “keep it” for the hero. You have to wonder what the man might do with it while he has it.
5 Lunar Terror
Well we’re on the subject of Majora’s Mask, let’s talk about the atmosphere of sheer fear and horror that dominates much of the game. The game takes place during the same three days before the Carnival of Time repeated over and over again, as Link rushes through the land of Termina from being destroyed by the cursed moon crashing into it. The Skull Kid, possessed by the title mask, is responsible for this situation, and he has also cast many other curses over the land, causing all kinds of misery. Link encounters some genuinely horrifying transformations as he travels through Termina, all while the people of the land become increasingly terrified of the impending apocalypse. The creators of the game worked hard to make the feeling of dread palpable, and are almost too successful. Some touches are nightmare-inducing, and not really appropriate in a kid’s game.
