I’m 26 years old. That means a few things. I pay my taxes. I work most days of the week. I get really stoned and watch The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas at two in the morning, then order an original theatrical poster and forget about it until I wake up. Yeah, adulthood’s really changed me.
But one thing that hasn’t changed since high school is how much of a thing I have for Kinzie Kensington, the Saints Row franchise’s resident snarky tech genius.
I went into The Third Remastered with fresh eyes. The years have really done a number on me, after all, and every day I feel myself get one step closer to the grave on this binch of an earth. There was no way that this game could warm the cooled cockles of my frigid heart - not like it used to. I’m too weary. Too cynical.
But then, she came to me like a vision in a hoodie that probably smells like dank armpit and Hot Pockets. The best woman in gaming - the only woman that matters, really. Kinzie Kensington, a certified cinnamon roll with a heart of gold and the personality of a habitual Reddit user.
What makes Kinzie so perfect? Well, first things first, she’s just gorgeous. A knockout. A true beauty. Her minimalist fashion sense reflects her plainspoken personality - no frills, pure efficiency, with just a bit of an edge. Her bright red hair (or maybe it’s brown-ish, I dunno, I’m colorblind) matches her fiery temper, and her glasses add a stylish bit of intellectual panache to her overall look.
Let’s not get lost in the superficial, though. Kinzie’s personality is a real winner. She clearly has a soft side, and cares deeply for people who get close enough to her. But a lifetime of pain has led to her being bristly and guarded, painfully unaware of polite social cues or, uh, being pleasant company. That’s part of her charm, though. This isn’t somebody who’s going to sugarcoat things, lie to you, or backstab you. She’s going to tell it how it is, and if she’s pissed at you, you’ll know exactly why, and won’t be left scrambling in the dark for some ambiguous answer to help you be a better partner.
Also, Kinzie’s super into BDSM, and basically, that’s great. Love it. We stan.
In a series rife with memorable characters, Kinzie is basically the best. She’s funny, cute, charming, and is probably the most grounded character in the game. We can only hope that she’ll get her chance to shine again in the upcoming Saints Row game due out next year.
